Dating Lesson #12- Zero Dark Flirty

So.

After a while of being on POF and being little bit more proactive, I started talking to a guy code named “Mark”.

He was chatty, flirty, and came across as quite confident. After a few days of talking he asked me out on a date. Because we both had things planned during the days and evenings (us being such socialites),we arranged to go on a breakfast date. I know right…very cosmopolitan!

We decided to go to a cafe near where he lived and is a short drive from me. It’s quite a hip, vintagey, bits-and-bobs type venue. A cool place to hang out and have breakfast, an afternoon tea venue, and in the evenings changed into this awesome bar, come mini club playing “Kill Bill” on a projector whilst retro 80’s music boomed across the crowded dance floor. ANYWAY, I digress.

So I arrive early, and he strolls up looking even more attractive than he appeared on his pictures, and I’m thinking “yes! finally someone I’m attracted to physically!”. Now I know that looks aren’t the be all and end all, in fact far from it, but when you’re online dating that is the single most important thing that gets you interested in someones profile. I also feel there has to be some physical attraction initially in order to want to get to know the person on a romantic level. So that was the first big tick. All my other dates had been nice and the guy wasn’t unattractive, but I didn’t get that “yes, I fancy you” feeling.

So we hug, go inside and get ourselves seated at an arcade table which turns out to be a great conversation starter! He’d got great arms I noticed; obviously works out or plays sport. He’d got great eyes, and unusually for me he was blond; not what I’d usually go for. And the more I find out about him the more I like him.

He played rugby – big tick in my book! He’d been to university and low and behold it turns out he went to the same city as I did for uni, just the rival campus; what are the chances! He’s close with his sister, likes kids, has ambition, is a manager for a gym and was a personal trainer. He was well spoken,witty, articulate, and intelligent. For me this was, and is pretty much what I’m after in a potential romance, so I was overjoyed!

Obviously, I tried to play it cool. I made jokes, flirted as best as someone like me can (that is to say I do not know how to play the game!), and was generally open and engaging.

We played a bit of Pac-man, realised that we’d been in there nearly two hours, and called time on the date.

Now, as we left I made a bit of a mistake in how I handled the goodbye. This is only from a book I read, but you should let your date know if you had a good time, but not suggest another date or seem too keen. I however, on walking away from him said “I’ll text you”.

Not cool country girl. Not cool at all. I immediately knew I’d made a mistake as soon as the words left my lips, but the damage was done and I would have to be the one to text first. My only saving grace is that he replied with “make sure you do…”

“YES!” I thought. “He must like me if he wants me to text him”.

So again, I tried to play by the rules of dating, or what I think are the rules of dating; you should leave it at least 24 hours before texting. I was patient, and did exactly that. It wasn’t anything big, just something along the lines of “Thanks for a great time. How was London?” (He’d gone there to see friends after the date).

Did I get a reply? No. Did I want one? My god yes.

Eventually he did respond, but each time I replied (in a not so eager manner) I didn’t hear anything for at least 3 days.

I didn’t understand. It had gone so well. I was gutted.

One evening about a two weeks after the first date he decided to see if I was going out on the town. I said I wasn’t but he tried to get me to come out and “bring my friends”. I declined, and told him if he’d like to go out again for another date I’d be more than happy to. He said he’d check his calendar…

…and I never heard from him again.

Why? Who knows. But I do know the following:

  1. I should have taken the hint when talking about Netflix and he replied “yeah but no Netflix-and-chill sadly”, that perhaps we was looking for a hook up.
  2. I should NOT have said that I’d text him.
  3. That he just wasn’t that into me.

As hard as that is to hear myself say, he wasn’t. I can’t control how the date felt for him. Perhaps I wasn’t his type. Perhaps my confidence put him off. Perhaps he suspected I wanted to do things properly, and he wanted casual fun. I don’t know and I’ll never know. But if he was interested, he’d have made the effort.

That is one lesson time and time again I haven’t yet quite grasped. I am worth being chased. I am worth a phone call. I am worth dating.

Slowly but surely, that is registering somewhere in me. As you will see later though, I haven’t got it, just yet.

As a small side note, is it just me or do other people out there wish that if a guy wasn’t interested you could get some feedback on your date? What they didn’t like, what they did, what could be improved on? Thats the one thing with dating that really gets me. How will I know if I’m a good date if no one ever tells you if it’s good or not?

Would love to know your thoughts.

Love as always,

Country girl x

 

Baby Got Back.

Hello!

Wow. It has been AGES since I updated my blog! Apologies.

Honestly, I just fancied a break from the whole dating thing. After a while it becomes like social media; an automatic reflex to do on your phone, and I didn’t like that. I wanted to be free from the commitments of checking my profile, updating photos, deleting messages from people who can only be bothered to say “hi”.

I can confidently say it was great…for a while.

I got my life back! Suddenly I found myself making my time much more productive. I started a crochet project and made a cute elephant for my friends baby. I did more exercise. I worried less about what people thought about me and just enjoyed doing things for me. There was no pressure to make an effort with men online and it was empowering. I was on a dating holiday; a hiatus from the stresses of keeping up POF, Tinder and OK Cupid appearances. I was sunning myself up on the hypothetical beach of the island ‘Nondatius’.

I spent a good three months not worrying about dating and began to feel more like me again, without the annoying thoughts of:

Do I like this guy? Should I go on another date with him? Why isn’t he relpying? Oh wait it’s only been an hour. Three days later..WHY isn’t he replying!? Maybe I should message him…NO countrygil, NO. Don’t you dare! You are worth more than that and you don’t want to appear desperate. OH but why won’t he reply? Whats wrong with me? Why can I not seem to find someone decent?  I think my heads going to explode…AAARRRRGGGH!!!

Etc, Etc.

Problem was, I wasn’t really meeting anyone new either. I always thought, and hoped, that when I do meet my match it would be organically. There’d be no online dating involved…Drifts off into a romantic dreamy daze…I bump into someone in the post office, dropping my letters all over the floor. He helps me pick them up and then as we rise together we look into each others eyes and get that instant click of chemistry. Or through a friend, or maybe even through work. A spontaneous arrival at my workplace to ask me out. A phone call offering to take me out to dinner. You know, good old fashioned dating. Where a guy chases a girl, where he knows how to behave whilst still having a cheeky flirt. Does anyone else have this problem? Not being able to meet people in day to day life?

Perhaps that will still happen. Perhaps it won’t. But regardless, meeting men in this day and age just doesn’t seem very easy.

So, after three lovely men-free months I’ve decided to brave it again, if for nothing other than more dating practice and for when Mr Right comes along. Oh, and of course for you blogging amusement!

I’ve still got a few stories up my sleeve so stay tuned for much more regular posts than there has been recently.

As always, comments are always welcome. Would love to hear of similar experiences of people who don’t particularly like online dating but can’t seem to meet men otherwise.

See you soon!

Countrygirl x

Dating Lesson #11- Hands Off My Popcorn!

Well good day to you fine sir/lady.

Welcome to another instalment of Thedatebookblog! Now this is a story all about how, a guy went way too fast and freaked me out, and I’d like to take a minute just sit right there, I’ll tell you how I had to stop it all before marriage was in the air.

Slightly different tale to usual this time as I actually met this guy “organically”. That is to say there were no computers of any kind used in the initial meeting of this person. He was living with someone from work (Samantha, Sam for short) who I had volunteered to be a guinea pig for as she was learning a new hobby and needed wiling subjects.

Before I’d even met him I had built up an idea of what this guy might be like, as the first time I saw Sam for her to practice on me I had been discussing my ex and what I didn’t want in a man anymore; plays on xbox all the time, no ambition, watches TV al the time, etc. She had gone “Oh that sounds a bit like Tom who lives here, he likes his games and tv series”.

“Riiiiigggghhhhttt” I had thought, and then it had exited my mind as fast as it had entered it.

The next time I went to see her I met Tom in the kitchen whilst she was “getting the room ready”. Getting the room ready, phuh! I now realise it was all just a plan to put me in a room with Tom so we’d start talking! He was a nice guy to chat to. He had a lovely smile. He was engaging, and friendly, and easy to talk to. After about 15 minutes of being in the kitchen with him and learning a little about why he lived with my friend, the room was ready and he left us to it. Again, as soon as he’d left I thought nothing of it really, just that he seemed like a nice guy.

A few days later I had to text Sam to let her know how I was feeling about her treatment.

“Tom’s been talking about you last night and how lovely you were. I think he’d like to ask you out! Can I give him your number?”

“Sure” I replied. Seeing as this was the first nice guy I’d met and not even online it was definitely worth a go.

For some reason one date wasn’t enough to organise to start with so I ended up making plans to see Tom on a Saturday for a coffee in town, then again the following Friday for a cinema trip. The first date went pretty well! He was friendly, warm, and interesting. We talked about everything under the sun, I learnt about his family, his past, our interests and hobbies. Unfortunately despite him being a lovely genuine guy I wasn’t sure if I felt any romantic chemistry towards him and I picked up on quite a few differences between us.

But, the second date had already been line up and I needed to figure out whether there was any romantic chemistry there.

As Tuesday came around I began to get nervous as he’d been a little “hands on” at the first date which I wasn’t used to. He’d also text me very shortly afterwards saying how he’d had a fantastic time, how time had flown by, how we’ve got so much more still to talk about, and how he couldn’t wait to see me again. Don’t get me wrong that was all very nice to hear, but because I wasn’t sure I found it a bit heavy after one meeting. I was tempted to text and say I didn’t think meeting again was a good idea, but I received a text saying he’d already booked and paid for the tickets. I was going whether I was considering backing out or not.

Friday evening arrived and we had arranged for him to pick me up at a nearby supermarket. From the moment we had an initial hug to say hello I don’t think his hand left contact with some part of my body for most of the remaining evening. From walking the short distance to the car with his hand on the small of my back, to touching my thigh periodically on the way to the cinema, to again the small of my back from the car park to the cinema; it didn’t stop.

I know I know, I get it. He was just showing his interest, and if it had been every now and then I would have found it a nice gesture. But the fact that on every other date I’d been on that hadn’t happened, and the fact it was a little too often for my liking made me feel uncomfortable. I didn’t know what to do really so I just didn’t touch him in any way similar; I didn’t want to give him any signs that I liked it or wanted more of it.

The conversation continued to flow nicely. I paid for the popcorn and drinks to say thank you, and he was even sweet enough to buy me a book for a flight I was taking a few days later.

We were waiting outside the cinema when he mentioned if I was a fan of Star Wars.

Me: “Not really I’m afraid”

Tom: “Well I was just wondering because my sister, her partner and I are going to go and watch it when it comes out and I asked if I could bring you along.”

Me: “You want me to meet your family on the third date?”

Tom: “No, just my sister and her partner”

I’m sorry, but that’s family! There’s other reasons too about parents but I won’t go into them.

Me: “Well like I said I’m not much of a Star Wars fan so lets discuss it when I’m back from my holiday.”

And it was left at that. The doors opened and we were allowed to our seats for the film.

Now I don’t know about you, but when I go to the cinema I go to WATCH the film. I like to completely lose myself in whats on the screen, be part of it all, get enthralled in the plot. I can’t chat when it’s on, and other things that supposedly happen between a guy and a girl in a cinema are lost on me.

So we’re in the cinema, the film has begun, and there’s a large armrest between us upon with which our popcorn is sitting. My left elbow is resting on the armrest to support my head which I’m using my left hand to support, and I’m really getting into the film. When out of the corner of my eye I can see Tom changing his arm position so that his left hand is on the armrest too. I continue to watch the film but on three occasions, all of which I ignore, he strokes my elbow to try and get me to do something, I’m not sure what. Hold his hand maybe? I don’t know but I’ve made my mind up by this point.

Anyway I try to regain my focus on the film I’ve been wanting to watch for ages. A jumpy part arrives and because I’d read the book I knew what was going to happen. So I’m sat there anticipating this big jump, which despite my best efforts still makes me leap out of the chair, and Tom is again touching my arms comforting me as though I’m a damsel in distress. Again I just try to brush it off and we manage to go through the rest of the film with just the odd elbow stroke.

As we leave discussing the film, the small of my back receives an all too familiar hand.

The car journey back is uneventful and we discuss our tastes in music. Then comes the goodbye. Oh man, I’m not good at goodbyes on first dates let alone second dates!

I go in for the hug in the car, as does he. I lean out of the hug, he doesn’t. I fumble and apologise for it being awkward, he laughs it off. I give him the quickest peck on the lips I’ve ever done in my life before thanking him for the evening and closing the car door on his outstretched arm that was going for my leg.

An hour or so passes and I get another text after. Again he’s exclaiming how he had the best time, how he can’t wait to see me, how he feels its fate we’ve met. That’s when I decide it would be unkind of me to allow any further dates or hopes to be on the cards.

I text the next day explaining how he’s a genuinely lovely guy but I don’t feel any romantic connection and would only see us being friends. He tries to keep the hope alive and apologises for being too keen he just really likes me, and I feel like the worst person in the world, but I stick to my guns and wish him all the best.

I know. I could have gone with the flow and just let him touch me. I could have settled for someone who liked me lots just to have someone and not be single, but there was too much uncommon ground. We shared too few common interests and I wasn’t romantically attracted to him. Surely it would have been meaner to keep providing him with false hope? I don’t want to settle for someone who’s not right this time around.

If you’re reading this Tom, I do genuinely think you are lovely and I wish you all good things. Just not with me.

Hope you enjoyed the blog and as always if there’s any comments people would like to share please do post below; always enjoy reading and replying.

Until the next time,

Countrygirl x

Dating Lesson #10- Eye’ve Got a Brand New Combine Harvester

Hi Guys!

It’s been a LONG time since I blogged, apologies. I have no excuse…I find blogging a bit like exercise; once you stop for a couple of days/weeks, it’s really hard to get back into the swing of it!

But here I am. Back with some more dating stories to tell, and some more slightly more personal posts to write. “YEY!” I hear you say…too right! So lets get started shall we?

Match.com I must admit hasn’t harboured that many dates for me, or messages for that matter. Most of the people I speak to are from Plenty of Fish, and this is one such person. I shall call him…Stuart.

The conversation began like most others. I think I initiated the contact and began making small talk and showing interest in things he’d mentioned in his profile. He said he ran his own business which I was intrigued to find out was to do with Agriculture (tick!), he was interesting to talk to, had a degree (tick!), and had travelled/lived abroad (tick tick!). I thought “Finally! Someone decent!”.

A few days into talking online he asked if I’d like to go out for a drink, to which I agreed. Now I don’t like to brag about myself, and for those of you who know me I very rarely do. However…I had just bought some new clothes and I had recently got into wearing lipstick (a revelation for me, I’d only been a glosser before); I was looking hot! I felt good, I felt I looked good. I was ready for this date!

The pub we were meeting at was a bit of a trek but I arrived on time, as did he. We briefly met outside and before I knew it we were sitting at a table with drinks at the ready. I was pretty nervous to be honest. Right before the start of a date I usually get quite apprehensive and this time was no different. However the conversation flowed smoothly, and we both had lots to say. There was laughter, banter, and I liked him. Not sure I was particularly attracted to him though and there was one main reason for this…his eyes.

Not because he didn’t have nice ones, he did. Not because he had anything wrong with them, he didn’t. Purely because for about 90% of the time we were on the date he was looking at my forehead. I have NO idea why! I checked in the mirror during a toilet break and there was definitely nothing on it, but for some reason eye contact seemed to elude him.

I don’t know if anyone out there has had this and I’m sure there are a few of you but let me tell you it is the most off-putting thing during a conversation! There I am making as much eye contact as possible to show I’m interested in what he’s saying, yet within the space of about 5 minutes I get proper eye contact for a maximum of 5 seconds. What the fudge?

Perhaps I was intimidating. Perhaps he was nervous. Perhaps my face offended him. I don’t know, but he kind of did me a favour. Because at the end of the night when we said our goodbyes, got a text to make sure I got home ok, and when I never heard a peep from him gain (which I didn’t), I wasn’t particularly upset. But how bizarre…why would you not look at someone when talking to them!?

Whats probably more amusing and embarassing (which I am responsible for), is that after a month or so I happened to stumble across him on Match.com, and decided to ask for feedback on the date so I know for the future how I can improve! Why oh why I did that I’ll never know, and I wish I didn’t but hey, if you don’t ask you never know right? Needless to say I didn’t get a response, and he disappeared from my dating radar forever.

So a lesson to all the men out there; make eye contact!

Until the next time (I promise it won’t be long this time!),

Countrygirl x

Close Encounters Of The 1st Kind

Well I talked that up didn’t I…They say thoughts create your reality and perhaps my last blog did just that.

Today, for the first day since he walked out the door never to return, I saw him. I was on my way to work and despite never in a year and a half ever seeing him anywhere, there he was. An early morning drive by from me as he walked to work. I knew it was him before I even got close. I could recognise his trainers a mile away. I knew his walk like the back of my hand. His hair was similar but slightly different. As soon as I saw his head turn slightly I knew it was my ex.

I kept my hands on the wheel, slightly panicking as my car was approaching and did the only thing I could think of in that moment; I didn’t look. I drove like it was any other day. I tried not to look in my mirrors. I hoped he hadn’t recognised the car although I imagine he probably did. My body was going through the usual motions. My autopilot steering me to work was ticking away nicely. But I felt sick to my stomach. Butterflies of nerves washed over me like a wave. My breathing changed.

Before I knew it the feelings I thought I’d let go of, that day when he left, came flooding back. They were filtered somewhat, not quite so paralysingly pungent as before but still recognisable. Hurt. Betrayal. Loneliness. Worthlessness. Longing for someone/something that’s no longer there. That I couldn’t stop looking at with rose-tinted glasses.

It affected me for the majority of the day despite my best efforts. I did what I needed to to get it out of my system. I texted friends, I almost cried at work, I got on with things. When I was distracted it was fine. But that image of seeing him there this morning was like a cloud hanging over me.

I tried to use it at lunch to help push me during my workout at the gym. I kept forgiving him in my head, sending him love and best wishes, hoping he was happy as though I was having a conversation with him face to face. I sent him only happy thoughts.

But I was disappointed in myself. I’d come so far. I’d grown so much. It felt like a backwards step when I thought I was almost at a place where I could be over it. I began to question that perhaps I wasn’t. It left me feeling deflated and empty. Can you believe it…all this from a single sighting of him. I didn’t look him in the eye, I didn’t have to speak to him, yet here they were, these feelings were trying to ruin my day. And they almost succeeded. Almost.

I was supposed to go on a date tonight. Unfortunately he had to cancel but I wasn’t willing to go home after work. I’d been wanting to see a film named “How to be single” for a while but I hadn’t had the time or people hadn’t been free. So I did what I wanted. I had a date night with myself. I took myself to the cinema in massively clashing gym clothes (because I wasn’t willing to be seen in my work clothes out and about) and had a GREAT time!

That film was exactly what I needed. Spending time with me doing something I wanted to do was exactly what I needed. And I’m beginning to love cinema dates with myself!

I was scared about watching the movie. From the trailers I had watched I thought it was going to be about drinking, sex, more drinking and more sex. I’m not that kind of person so that would have made me feel even worse about being single as though I wasn’t doing it right. But it was the complete opposite. It appealed to every type of single person out there. Everyone being single in their own ways, no one doing it wrong or right; no judgement. It was so uplifting, side-achingly funny, and inspirational.

It made me realise how great my life is and how my previous posts about the positives of being single are true; this is truly a time to be cherished. I have so much less free time now than I’ve ever had because I’m doing so much more with it. I work in three different places. I have so many wonderful groups of friends. I’ve made so many more new friends as a result of being single. I’ve been travelling to places I don’t think I would have been able to if I’d stayed in that relationship; Cambodia, Laos, Hong Kong, Barcelona, Berlin, New York, France. Trips with friends instead of just me and him. And I wouldn’t change those experiences for the world.

I volunteer, I meditate, I eat better, I sleep better, I exercise more, I go out more, I read more. There’s so much more to just finding someone. NOW is the time for me to find myself. NOW is my time. I may never get this again! I may never be single like this again.

I’ve come home after singing in the car at the top of my lungs to a feeling of satisfaction in my life. I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now. And I really don’t feel like I want anyone at the moment. I choose to be single. I want to carry on developing myself.

It makes me want to delete my Plenty of Fish profile, and I may well do! It makes me want to take a break from Match.com (and if they hadn’t screwed me over for another 6 months subscription I probably would!).

Today has been a rollercoaster of emotion, and it’s ended on a high thanks to a date night with myself, and a fantastic film.

If any of you singles need a pick me up, go watch it. I promise you it will fill you with happiness.

 

Please feel free to leave any comments; love hearing from you.

Until the next time,

Countrygirl x

 

I’ll Be Missing You

Most of the time in my new life of being single, I’m good. I’ll go about my daily life, concentrate on my next goals, keep attempting to online date despite it now being 6 months and no suitors. I’m happy.

But every now and then something will happen. A dream. I’ll see someone from my ex’s family I used to know. I’ll begin to lose faith in online dating and finding someone again. When something like that happens my mind will start to dwell on the past, on him, on them.

When my ex and I broke up, we had been together a long time. It wasn’t just him that was in my life. It was his parents, his grandparents, his aunts who I had now allocated a section of my heart to. And we got on so well. I used to be able to spend time with each parent individually without my ex and enjoy it. We used to go out for meals, drink together, play games together.

Now we’re strangers.

No one ever tells you that you don’t only lose the person you loved. They don’t tell you that you lose an entire family you thought you were going to be a part of. And when my mind starts to dwell on him or them only one thing about it occupies my mind…I miss them.

My ex was not perfect. Neither am I. I know it ended for the right reasons, and that he did what I couldn’t. But it doesn’t mean I don’t miss him. We may not have been right for each other romantically towards the end, but he was my best friend. And 1.5 years later, I still notice that my best friend isn’t there anymore. He’s now a stranger to me. Ive never even seen him.

But I miss him. I miss the way he used to be so happy to see me when I got home. I miss his hugs. His smile. His crazy dancing in the kitchen to Beyonce. I miss his jokes, his silliness, his willingness to just show me him for him. I miss his hands. His chest. I just miss him and there’s no other way to describe it.

I miss his parents. I miss their welcoming smile. The way I could talk to his mum about work related matters and she’d be able to relate. How if the need to confide in her arose I would have been able to. How I felt her love for me as I did her. I miss playing board games with her. His dad is the same. I miss talking to him about man things, watching films together as a little unit, chatting about rubbish. How they were there for me. Again, I just miss them being in my life.

I don’t know if I’ll ever stop missing them. If I use distraction to stop myself thinking about them, or accept that they’re gone, no longer in my life and missing them doesn’t make a jot of difference, its easier. But when the feeling is there, I notice it like a piece of me is missing. Like there’s a void that hasn’t yet been filled.

I know this isn’t permanent. I know that this void I have can be filled with self love, or perhaps eventually the love of another and his respective family someday. I know there is nothing to change the ways things are; I’m no longer a part of their lives. But for now, to his family and him…I miss you.

Dating Lesson #9 – The Return of Catch Me If You Can

I have a confession to make.

For those of you who have followed my blogs you’ll remember Frank from Catch Me If You Can Parts 1-3, and how I wrote that he never contacted me again. Well there’s more to that story…

My friends told me to delete his number. That he was a waste of time. That I could do better. They erased him from my phone in all aspects that they could; got rid of his conversations, all pictures and videos, removed his number from my contacts. A week passed and I still hadn’t heard from him but I just couldn’t let it go. I just didn’t understand it. We had a great time on that date. We’d flirted, the conversation had been effortless, there was an easy playfulness when we were in the arcade and we seemed attracted to one another.

So me being the stubborn person that I am I decided to send one final ‘hurrah’ message to let him know I was disappointed. What I didn’t tell anyone was that I still had him on Match.com, so sent him a short message on there stating how it was a shame it hadn’t gone anywhere as we seemed to have a good time.

He replied, apologised, and explained he’d started to think too much and worried he wouldn’t have time to for someone in his life.

I should have read the signs there…I didn’t. I was still clinging on to the hope that it could go somewhere. I should have stopped talking to him there and then. But I didn’t.

We got back into the normal flow of conversation that had been there previously, and things seemed to be ok. But then one day out of the blue he sent me a screen shot of his match.com profile showing how many unread messages he had from women. This was accompanied by a message saying “Oh My God I’ve just logged into Match.com…I don’t think I’m cut out for this. I always thought I’d meet someone in the most unexpected way; damn you rom coms”. I found this pretty hurtful. One, because he had met me online, two, because I didn’t understand why he was showing me this, was this another signal to back off? And three, because if he was divulging this to me perhaps I had been put in the friend category.

I wanted to speak to him in person. I wanted to see his face, hear his voice properly, not a delayed video or an emotionless assembly of words on a phone screen. But typically, that didn’t happen despite me asking.

So I did the only thing I felt I could; I sent him a video. But not just any video. I poured my heart into that video. I explained why, despite the fact I was getting the impression he wasn’t into me, I had continued to speak to him. How after a long term relationship he had been the first person I’d thought “yeah, I really like this guy”. How I hadn’t had as much fun on a date with anyone else. How I wanted to kiss him when we’d said goodbye on the first date but was scared of his reaction. And I asked him straight out, that if I was nothing more than a potential friend to him to just tell me so I could stop harbouring this hope of it becoming something more. I’ve never sent anything like it to anyone before. I was letting him into my world.

Looking back it probably came across as sweet, but also perhaps desperate which was not my intention; I’m just not into games.

He sent me a nice reply saying how he needed to have a serious think because the last thing he wants is to upset me. A day passes and I receive a message saying how lovely I am but he’s realising he hasn’t got time for someone at the moment, to the extent that he’s going to come off Match.com.

I don’t reply. I actually take the hint.

Then 5 days later, on Christmas day, he messages me.

Frank: “Merry Christmas”

Me: “Merry Christmas to you too. Hope cooking the christmas dinner went well.”

Frank: “Thanks a lot x”

I don’t reply.

Frank: “I would like to see you again”

I don’t get it. Why? What’s changed? Not a lot according to him but he felt it such a shame when we get on so well. So I go with it. Again, I should have stopped here. But the hope had been re-ignited and I couldn’t let it go.

We met up, watched a film together at his house, and like before, it was a good time. But again nothing came of it. He went away for another 3 weeks offshore and returned, ignoring my invite for me to return the favour and have him to come to mine to watch a film.

So, after some dutch courage from a friend, I bit the bullet and realised this was never going to happen. I told him I didn’t want a friend, that I couldn’t do this anymore and was going to focus my efforts on someone who wants to date me. That I wished him luck in finding someone when he was ready to.

And he sent me something nice back saying how it was nice to meet me and how I’ll find someone as I’ve got lots going for me.

Perhaps I do, but it doesn’t feel like it.

It feels like I’ve lost the only prospect I had, and not even a good one at that. It feels like there’ll be an emptiness where our funny conversations had been. It feels like I’ll never find anyone again.

My friends were right. I had just invested too much emotion in someone who was never going to like me as much as I liked them. I had allowed myself to be kept on a string, I had let myself be a fool. I’m disappointed in him, but more so in myself.

Letting go isn’t easy. It hurts right now. I know it’ll pass, I know I won’t be alone forever but it’s hard to see what hasn’t happened yet. Looking on the grateful side of things I am grateful for this valuable lesson. One of which I made myself learn the hard way.

I have learnt:

  • Never let someone string you along
  • Never compromise yourself
  • Never settle for someone who isn’t right
  • The fog of a potential new love clouds even the most rational of minds.
  • My friends are pretty much ALWAYS right. I should darn well listen next time because it would have saved me a lot of heartache.

So, it’s back to square one. No dates on the horizon, no one online catching my interest.

Here’s where the lesson of patience, and making the most of my singleton time comes in.

Stay tuned for more dating stories in the future; I still have from from past dates I haven’t yet shared with you. As always if you have any comments or thoughts always enjoy reading them.

Until the next time,

CountryGirl x

 

Dating Lesson #8 – Singledom Part 3

Evening all,

I haven’t been very well recently so I’m afraid all of my positive single mojo vanished for a little while, hence why I haven’t been blogging. BUT you’ll be pleased to hear I’m getting my positive cap back on and am ready to continue the “how great it is to be single” saga!

So lets get cracking…

Singledom Lesson #6 – Freedom

Quite possibly one of THE best things about being single!

Some people see it as being lonely; a recluse, a hermit, a sad way to be…living on your own. I happen to think otherwise. Why? Because I can do whatever I like, whenever I like!

Hey, fancy dancing like a crazy person in your underwear in the middle of the living room with the music blasting? Don’t mind if I do… How about going out on your own, sitting in a restaurant having a date night with yourself, eating whatever you like without worrying what someone will think of you, then hitting the cinema? That sounds perfect! Or if you’d rather you could just stay in for the whole weekend and binge on Netflix watching the entire “Making a Murderer” in one sitting? Errrrr who wouldn’t!?

I have never had so much freedom to do anything that takes my fancy. I have learnt and am continuing to learn that being alone, and living alone doesn’t have to be a miserable, boring, lonely time. It’s MY time. My time to choose to read a book from cover to cover, whilst sitting in silence and not having to make conversation with anyone. My time to hog the TV and anything I’d like to watch. My time to play the music I like, to run a bath, to go out and do something on my own, to learn a new skill, to play guitar, to watch random pointless video’s on youtube. And it’s absolutely 100% fine to do that!

Whatever makes you happy, whether you usually need someone to do it with or not, just go do it! I promise you although it will feel weird, it will be so liberating knowing that most things you would have done with someone you can do with your own very best friend; yourself.

The possibilities are endless; you can literally do anything you feel like. It makes me appreciate this time of being single, because in years to come I may not have as much freedom. I may have more responsibility, have other people to think about and take care of. Thats why it’s ok to be a little selfish when your single, to take some time to yourself and give yourself some “me” time. Because who knows when the right person will come along and sweep you off your feet. This is your time to grow as a person, and just be yourself entirely.

Singledom Lesson #7 – Dating

Unless you are one of those people who decides one person isn’t good enough in a relationship and goes wandering, when other time than being single can you have the opportunity to rummage through the abundance of men on this planet looking for the right one?

Yes granted, some of my dates, OK lets be honest…most of my dates and encounters with the male sex haven’t been ideal, they have still been dates; lessons if you will. I have learnt something about them, and about myself from each dating experience and it’s quite exciting knowing that maybe one of these dates may be the last, first date.

Now despite me trying to release my inner sexual goddess on a number of occasions (see previous blogs) I have come to the conclusion the bed, breakfast and goodbye scenario may not be for me. BUT, if you are someone who can do that, then blimey being single is a treasure trove of potential make out sessions, netflix and chills, and friends with benefits! You’re not tied to anyone. If you feel like it you could go to a bar, window shop a bit and go home with someone you fancy a bit of the sex with. Now having not experienced this myself I’m taking a guess at whether this is good or not, but if you take it for what it is with no emotional attachment, I reckon it would be pretty great.

But if you’re like me and find being intimate with someone more of an emotional thing to do with someone you trust, then this next point is equally as good…

Singledom Lesson #8 – New Love

Getting over a breakup isn’t always easy. To this day I’m not even sure I’m 100% over it. The scars are still there, I still get nervous if I see or hear something about him or his family, but I’m definitely getting there. But one of the good things about being single is learning what went wrong in the previous relationship, consciously deciding to try and improve on the things that you were able to control next time around (because there will be at one point or another a next time around), and moving on from it.

I haven’t given up on love. I still believe in the kind of love that exists in books and in films. I see how my parents are together and I know that that kind of love does happen. I still know in my heart of hearts that everyone deserves real, true, honest love and if you believe it enough, your thoughts will create your reality.

One thing that always makes me feel better when I begin to worry about not finding someone is this thought:

“Somewhere in the world, out there right now, is my soulmate…”

And one day when I least expect it he will enter my life and it will all make sense. The waiting. The nights of wondering if I should just settle so as not to feel alone or worrying if I’ll ever love someone again. The dates that went ok and thinking “meh, maybe it could work” then realising they’re not the right person for me.

How exciting it is to think that as each days passes the person you could be ridiculously happy with, who could turn your world upside down and show you what love is supposed to be like, is edging closer and closer until one day…there he is in front of you! How exciting to imagine and visualise, to feel those feelings that will manifest when you’re with him on that first date. The nerves, the shy excitement, that giddy happy feeling knowing you’ve found someone you can just click with. How exciting and wonderful to imagine what that first kiss could be like, how it may be the best kiss you’ve ever had! Any and all of those thoughts fill me with such positivity that I feel immensely happy, and it hasn’t even happened yet!

I can’t wait for those feelings to turn into reality. To feel that sense of belonging, safety, security, and pure love to fill my being. I’m learning to create those within myself as I can be all I need, but having it from someone else too will be amazing.

And with that person a new, exciting chapter of my life will start.

Now if thats not one good thing about being single, knowing that all that is going to happen sometime in the future, I don’t know what is!

 

I hope for anyone reading this who is single, that this has helped you feel better about your situation (if you weren’t happy with it that is!). I hope these blogs help you to see some of the good that can come out of being on your own. This is just another phase in my life, which I aim to get as much out of as possible before it’s too late, and I hope this inspires you to do the same 🙂

Thank you for taking the time to read this. As always I’d love to hear any thoughts anyone has so please do comment if you’d like.

All the best, and until the next time,

Countrygirl x

 

Dating Lesson #8 – Singledom: Part 2

Welcome to the second instalment of why being single can be pretty darn awesome!

So in the continuing theme from yesterdays post lets get right down to it!

Singledom Lesson #3 -There is no rush!

I used to sit around thinking to myself “I’m going to be alone forever…I’m going to be single for the rest of my life…I’m never going to have a boyfriend again or get married or do all the things I want to do with someone else”.

Do you know what I’ve realised in my year and four months of being single? I’ve not really in the grand scheme of things even been single that long! People go years without having another relationship. Men and women who have lost their life-long partners sometimes decide to never let love in again, some people decide to be single for their entire lives. I need to chill the F out! I’m 27 for crying out loud with hopefully a good 50+ years ahead of me yet there I was with this somber attitude about being single.

Well folks thats all changed. Sure I get moments where thoughts like that may cross my mind but I am confident that at some point in my life I will find someone I love again. I have faith and am comforted by the thought that sometime, someday, probably in the way I least expect, that it will happen. As they say, what you think creates your reality and despite those occasional worried thoughts, I believe with that one solid, true, belief that I hold about finding love again, that love will find me.

It provides me with the most valuable asset we all try to get as much of as possible; time.

Without the worry of “will I ever find someone” it switches my thinking back to being grateful again. Grateful that I have this time of being single to do the things I want to do with my life before I share them with someone else. To have time for myself. To do the things I’ve always wanted to do before I may not be able to in the future.

I now look at being single as a treasured time, a precious phase of opportunity which I should grasp with both hands and use to live life to the fullest.

Singledom Lesson #4 – Taking Opportunities

Friends:

“Hey fancy going on holiday with me this year?”

“Fancy going to this festival with me?”

“Would you like to come travelling with me round this country?”

Yes, yes, and hell yes!

There’s no thought required anymore. If there’s something fun being offered and I have the funds to be able to do it, I’m there. Do I have to consult with my partner to make sure I can go? No. Do I have to worry about if I have enough money so that we’re both comfortable with finances? No. My money is my money. My time is free to spend as I wish.

Do I want to learn a new hobby? Sign Language? Learn to paint? Sure lets do it!

Since becoming single I have done more than I have in the 3 years being in a relationship since university. I’ve travelled to more places in a year than I can remember, been to my first music festival, spent more time with friends and family, taken up a new pastime, tried new things. Life has so much to give to someone, anyone in fact not just single people. But being single has opened my eyes up to all the possibilities. I have more life ambitions that ever before, and I love the freedom I currently have.

I feel like the options are limitless at the moment. If I wanted to up and move across the other side of the world, I could! I won’t, but I could…

Singledom Lesson #5- Working on myself

I’d been in a relationship since I was 16. I would be confident in certain aspects of life; I knew with enough work I could succeed in a career. I could chat to people despite having social anxiety. University helped me come out of my shell the most. But I can honestly say I don’t think I ever truly loved myself, or even began to love myself at all. I always put others first. I would put myself down with negative thoughts about my self image, my appearance, how I would never be attractive, how I wasn’t really wanted there when I hung out with my friends.

Since becoming single, I have begun to learn how to truly love myself. Im not there yet by any means but had I stayed in that relationship I would have never come across such inspirational friends and writers to help me on the path to self love. Louise Hay is an inspiration to me. I read a lot of self help books about how to be a better person e.g. How to Make Friends and Influence People, The Power of Now.

I took a long hard honest look at myself and my life. I went to therapy; something I never thought I’d do or even need.

Affirmations and being kind to myself have changed my life. All because I became single.

I still get anxious about social situations. I still worry about my appearance. I think that’s only human. But the difference between myself then, and now, is a marked improvement and I’m excited to continue using my free time as a singleton to further develop my self love and love for others.

 

There’s still more to come; I’m not done with how great being single is just yet so keep your eyes peeled for another blog soon. Hope you enjoyed, and feel free to comment. Would love to hear your thoughts.

Until next time,

CountryGirl x

Dating Lesson #8 -Singledom: Part 1

Good evening to you all and thanks for joining!

The dating scene has been a little dry recently (oh don’t worry I’ve still got some stories to tell!) so it’s given me some time to think about where I am and about being a member of the land of singledom.

So a slightly different lesson plan today folks, but it’ll be bright and cheerful none the less.

It’s been one year and four months since I became an elite member of the singles club. I thought being single would be a handicap. I thought people would come up to me and be all “Oh, your single? Oh I’m so sorry, why can’t you seem to find a man?!”, and on the rare occasion that has happened. I thought I would be miserable, sat at home like a loner with no one to spend time with or cuddle up to. Basically I saw being single in a very negative light, probably because I hadn’t been without a boyfriend in a looooong time and the thought scared the life out of me!

Being in a relationship can be pretty darn great. Being in a relationship seems to be the socially accepted thing to do. You find someone, possibly even “settle” for someone, get married, get a house, have children. It’s the done thing for the vast majority of people and at some point in the future I hope to do those things too. Being single seems to be seen as something undesirable; a way of living that isn’t by choice but forced upon someone by the breakdown of a relationship. Something people seem to be sympathetic towards.

But you know what? Being single is pretty blooming great too!

I’ve learnt so much since becoming a single lady (All the single ladies? All the single ladies! All the single ladies? All the single ladies! Put your hands UP!), and I’d like to share with you the lessons I’ve learned so far about being unattached that make it so darn good…

Singledom Lesson #1 – Gratitude

This is the seldom most important lesson I have learnt thus far since being on my own. In the early weeks and months following my break-up, it was hard to stay upbeat all the time. In fact if you asked my friends at the time they’d probably say I was a pretty big crying mess of a person! But a simple and easy way for me to remain positive and happier came along when a friend (and the book they gave me) suggested I write a gratitude list every day of all the things in my life I was grateful for.

I can safely say this is one of the most valuable lessons I have EVER learnt. It turns my attention to all the wonderful, fantastic things and people in my life. It makes me remember everything good, simple and pure in my life. The simplest, teeny tiny things that usually get taken for granted don’t escape my focus anymore. Such basic, life-giving gifts that so rarely get thought about but that so many in the world go without. Clean water. Available food. A roof over my head. Warmth. A bed. Clothes. People who love me and who I love being part of my life.

It never ceases to make me stop and go “WOW. I am SO lucky to have all these things! I am SO lucky to have been given the opportunity for an education, to have healthcare, to be able to go to university, to have time to have fun”. And it always puts a positive spin on my day. Ever since the day I picked up that pen and wrote in my journal for the first time my gratitude list, I make one in my head or on paper every day of what I am grateful for in my life.

And I’ll never stop being grateful for that. For being given the chance to learn this lesson.

Singledom Lesson #2 – Friends and Family

I have never been more grateful for the caring, lovely, funny, wonderful friends in my life since becoming single.

I’ve never been one to ditch my friends when I’m in a relationship; I liked to have my own life outside the “us” that was my boyfriend and I.

But when you go through a break-up you realise how many friends you truly have, and I was very lucky to have lots and lots of people gather round and support me when I needed it. They stayed with me in my house to comfort me when I woke up most mornings crying, they made me laugh when I felt like curling up into a ball, they forced me to go out and socialise when all I fancied doing was staying in my house and moping. They were my ROCKS. They were, and ARE everything to me, as are my family. They are my extended family, and I don’t know what I would do without them. So if any of you are reading this, I love you a hell of a lot!

I am also more grateful than I have ever been for my family. I’ve never appreciated so much just how much they have done for me, and how deep their love goes. My pain after the breakup was their pain. My tears became their tears. My hurting heart made theirs hurt. It made me realise how deeply connected with them I am despite how much or little we tell each other we love each other out loud.

My family have never been the “I love you” sort, but we all know. Its a given between us all. If there was ever a family emergency, we’d all be there for one another in an instant. But going through a break up has highlighted how much I love them. I hug them more, I tell them more how much I value them, the bond has deepened further than I knew it could.

So again, if any of you are reading this, I love you dearly.

To be continued…

Wow I’ve said more than I was expecting and only covered two amazing parts of being single! Im itching to write the next instalment already! Stay tuned for more in the following days, and I hope this has put a smile on your face.

Thoughts and comments are always welcome 🙂

See you soon,

CountryGirl x