It Could Only Happen to Me…Part 4:The Conclusion

Well hello dear readers.

I have had a very long hiatus from blogging with no real excuse other than I’ve been super busy. But fear not…I had yet to conclude the unfortunate events that occurred in October, which resulted in me dating two cousins.

So let us continue…

After a good few days with nothing from either party I decided it was time to figure out where Matthew stood on the scenario. Marcus was a lost cause. I messaged him expressing my dismay that I didn’t even really get the chance to see where things went. We both had very kind words to say about each other, and left it at that. So with that in mind I needed to know what Matthew thought about the whole thing.

We arranged to speak on the phone four days after discovering the situation. And to my shock he was fine about everything. He took the stance that I was free, single, and it was only one date. He didn’t really see why it was such a big deal for Marcus. I agreed with him and we agreed to keep in contact. In retrospect, perhaps this should have been another warning sign; perhaps the fact he didn’t see it as a big deal meant he wasn’t particularly invested in me or pursuing a relationship with me. But we carried on regardless.

Things moved painfully slowly. I kept getting mixed signals. I’d drop hints about meeting, compliment and tease him in a playful way to make him aware I wasn’t interested in just a texting conversation the whole time. But he’d never directly ask me out. We’d text back and forth daily, each taking turns to initiate the texting, but still no meeting in person. Eventually, after quite a lot of hints, we ended up going on a second date.

We met at an independent cinema, and watched a film together which we had to sneak into as we were a tad late. The film was a prequel to a much larger film franchise, and because Matthew hadn’t seen the previous films I was happy to get close to him and whisper in his ear about things he didn’t know, as we were watching.

Unlike my date at the cinema with Marcus where I’d been comfortable enough sitting and laughing, spilling popcorn over each other, on this one there was an excitable tension. I found myself hoping he would take my hand in his. I wanted to rest my head on his shoulder. I wanted to be near him.

The date continued after the film as we walked through the streets of the city staring at the newly placed Christmas lights. We walked through a beautiful tunnel of lights positioned in the main shopping area. A romantic spot I felt, but again I got nothing from Matthew. No hand holding, no closeness. I began to wonder if he was even interested in me. I figured if he wasn’t he’d have made an excuse to end the date right? We found ourselves hungry and ended up in a famous fish and chip restaurant where I felt like he opened up more. Conversation flowed easily and we enjoyed playful banter. I was enjoying myself and perhaps he was too.

On the way back to the car a rather uneasy looking man came up to us shaking a bucket in our faces and asking for money for Charity. The tattoo of a needle across his neck and his general demeanour said otherwise, as did his reaction when I responded with “I’m sorry I’ve just used it”, to which he replied said “Oh come on…GIVE me your money”. I felt threatened, and Matthew and I walked swiftly to the car.

Now this was the moment I’ll remember because after all his mixed signals,  I told him I had felt slightly worried back there and he showed his protective, manly, very attractive side by saying he would have punched the guy had he come any closer to me. I felt safe, I felt he cared. Perhaps I read too much into it but to me that seemed like a sign he wanted to protect me. He liked me enough he wanted to keep me safe. That he was a good guy. Someone who wouldn’t mess a girl around.

Like a gentleman he dropped me off at my house and we said our goodbyes.

Then limbo started again. He’d message me often, asking me how my day was, seemingly showing an interest but also seeming to forget things I’d said to him before. It went on for a while and I began to give up.

Eventually we went on date three. Another whole month later.

He picked me up and we went to the woods for a walk followed by a coffee in a cosy pub, which to my surprise went on until mid afternoon.

It was just me, him, and the trees. We talked, we laughed, we joked. Me being typical me I partly submerged myself in a stream after thinking it wasn’t deep at all, to which he found very amusing. We even meditated which may sound silly but it was so peaceful. I felt grounded to the world around me and it was nice to be able to share one of my favourite places to do that in, with him. I must admit most of the time I was wondering if I could kiss him but I thought that would have probably been a bit odd, and it would have caught him completely of guard seeing as his eyes were closed. I did steal a sneaky peak at him from time to time though.

It was an all round really lovely date. But time was running out. It was date three, and Matthew still hadn’t made any romantic move on me. I knew that if I left this one in the same way, and it ended up being the same back and fourth messaging again that I’d have to call it quits, and regret never having done anything.

So…when he pulled up outside my house I took it upon myself to make the first move. It probably wasn’t the most romantic of ways to do it as I proposed that if I didn’t kiss him now I’d regret it, but he didn’t back off either. We kissed, just once.

I can only speak for me but I felt it was a good first kiss. A slight linger, nothing too full on. Sweet would have probably been a fitting word. I said thank you for the date, although I said it WAY too soon after the kiss which made it sound like I was in fact thanking him for letting me kiss him (I know, cringey), and left the car. Nevertheless, I was on cloud nine. I left that car smiling from ear to ear.

I hadn’t felt this way about someone since my ex. Perhaps not even him.

Again, within a few hours of the date he had messaged me which I took as a good sign, but that quickly slipped back into the same texting pattern as before; Matthew not moving things on, and me left wondering where on earth I went wrong.

I didn’t like it, it wasn’t easy, but I had gone down this road before. Enough was enough. The budding romance I was so hoping would happen just wasn’t manifesting, and as much as I liked this guy, as much as I wanted to be able to kiss him again, for him to show me that he wanted me, it just wasn’t going to happen.

I sent a final message explaining I wanted to be with someone who was 100% wanting to be with me, who wanted to show me how much they were interested, who wanted to see me as often as they could. He replied but unfortunately it confirmed what I had hoped wasn’t, but deep down knew to be the case…

And that was two months ago.

Have I heard from him since? No. Had I secretly hoped I would? Yes. Do I still fancy him and hope he comes to his senses? Hell Yes. But then again he’s already shown me he’s not interested. Perhaps its too late. Perhaps I would worry he’d do it again.

I know where I went wrong. I invested too soon. Again. I liked him the first time he walked into my workplace and I dreamed about it ever since. Before he even knew anything about me or the fact I liked him. Before I even knew him.

I dived in too willingly.

I guess I still need to learn a few things about dating.

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A World Of Opportunity

Walking is beautifully therapeutic and grounding.

After recent events, this weekend has been a chance for me to remember what’s important in life. The things we take for granted. The things in life that are free. Appreciating the simplest moments, the smallest of goings on in the big wide world. Living life in the now.

If being single has taught me one thing, its how to find myself. How to be a better person. How to live for today.

It’s given me the opportunity to further my understanding of the world around me, improve on myself, and taught me how to give back to the world. When you haven’t got someone beside you all the while you realise there’s so much you can give, to everyone. A simple smile, a warm greeting, a kind gesture.

In most of my everyday life I always feel rushed. There’s always a list of things to do, people to see, connections to maintain. I often feel like there’s no time to relax. To stop and take note. In the past I’ve turned to meditation for this. I’ve started to once again,

I also read a lot of self help books. I don’t necessarily read them to make myself amazing. I read them because every time I do they open my mind and soul up to something bigger than myself. This power, this way of thinking that I didn’t think was possible. Something switches on in my head, a door opens. It’s like an addiction. These moments of clarity where the world makes sense. Where the world is good and pure. Where my dreams are possible. Where everything in this life is precious, and amazing, and everything is within reach. I read them for this.

A walk in the woods today gave me that same clarity. As I walked, I kept my focus on my breath, and the sensations around me. Everything around me as I was walking on this sunny, crisp, autumn day became incredible.

The air felt pure and clean within my lungs. Imagining these gentle giants absorbing my carbon dioxide to give the air new life, new fuel for it’s inhabitants, became fascinating. I noticed the colour of every leaf. The beauty of the natural world. The crisp crunching of dry and damp leaves beneath my feet. It was so peaceful, so serene.

As I sat on a log alone it was so quiet. Quiet enough for me, as I closed my eyes and concentrated on my breathing, to notice the pine needles falling from the trees. To hear the bracken rustling gently in the breeze. To hear the natural cracks of the twigs and branches around me.

It. was. amazing.

As I began to walk back to the real world through the depths of the forest, the more I looked, the more I saw. Mushrooms began to appear as if from nowhere; scattering the forest floor. Life was everywhere. Even on the floor of a forest coming to the end of its time for the year, life was still blooming amongst the debris.

It made me take note that nothing is impossible. I am reassured by the processes of life. That nothing lasts forever. That now, in this moment, is the time to treasure. One day someone will come along who will be everything I’ve ever wanted. Who knows when that may be, but in the meantime this chapter of my life is precious.

Life isn’t about success with material things. It’s about appreciating the fact that we’re alive. Appreciating nature and the world around us. Cherishing all of it. It’s about being the best version of yourself to illicit great, inspiring feelings in others.

No one will remember how much was in your bank account. They will remember how you made them feel. It makes me want to be kind to everyone and everything I come into contact with. It fills me with such love for everyone and everything that I could burst. I want to make everyone feel loved.

So when people roll their eyes at me for reading self help books, or going for a walk on my own, I don’t mind. Because if they felt what I do when I get those moments of clarity, they’d be hooked too.

I hope you all have had a fantastic weekend.

Part 4 of “It could only happen to me” to follow in the near future. x