A World Of Opportunity

Walking is beautifully therapeutic and grounding.

After recent events, this weekend has been a chance for me to remember what’s important in life. The things we take for granted. The things in life that are free. Appreciating the simplest moments, the smallest of goings on in the big wide world. Living life in the now.

If being single has taught me one thing, its how to find myself. How to be a better person. How to live for today.

It’s given me the opportunity to further my understanding of the world around me, improve on myself, and taught me how to give back to the world. When you haven’t got someone beside you all the while you realise there’s so much you can give, to everyone. A simple smile, a warm greeting, a kind gesture.

In most of my everyday life I always feel rushed. There’s always a list of things to do, people to see, connections to maintain. I often feel like there’s no time to relax. To stop and take note. In the past I’ve turned to meditation for this. I’ve started to once again,

I also read a lot of self help books. I don’t necessarily read them to make myself amazing. I read them because every time I do they open my mind and soul up to something bigger than myself. This power, this way of thinking that I didn’t think was possible. Something switches on in my head, a door opens. It’s like an addiction. These moments of clarity where the world makes sense. Where the world is good and pure. Where my dreams are possible. Where everything in this life is precious, and amazing, and everything is within reach. I read them for this.

A walk in the woods today gave me that same clarity. As I walked, I kept my focus on my breath, and the sensations around me. Everything around me as I was walking on this sunny, crisp, autumn day became incredible.

The air felt pure and clean within my lungs. Imagining these gentle giants absorbing my carbon dioxide to give the air new life, new fuel for it’s inhabitants, became fascinating. I noticed the colour of every leaf. The beauty of the natural world. The crisp crunching of dry and damp leaves beneath my feet. It was so peaceful, so serene.

As I sat on a log alone it was so quiet. Quiet enough for me, as I closed my eyes and concentrated on my breathing, to notice the pine needles falling from the trees. To hear the bracken rustling gently in the breeze. To hear the natural cracks of the twigs and branches around me.

It. was. amazing.

As I began to walk back to the real world through the depths of the forest, the more I looked, the more I saw. Mushrooms began to appear as if from nowhere; scattering the forest floor. Life was everywhere. Even on the floor of a forest coming to the end of its time for the year, life was still blooming amongst the debris.

It made me take note that nothing is impossible. I am reassured by the processes of life. That nothing lasts forever. That now, in this moment, is the time to treasure. One day someone will come along who will be everything I’ve ever wanted. Who knows when that may be, but in the meantime this chapter of my life is precious.

Life isn’t about success with material things. It’s about appreciating the fact that we’re alive. Appreciating nature and the world around us. Cherishing all of it. It’s about being the best version of yourself to illicit great, inspiring feelings in others.

No one will remember how much was in your bank account. They will remember how you made them feel. It makes me want to be kind to everyone and everything I come into contact with. It fills me with such love for everyone and everything that I could burst. I want to make everyone feel loved.

So when people roll their eyes at me for reading self help books, or going for a walk on my own, I don’t mind. Because if they felt what I do when I get those moments of clarity, they’d be hooked too.

I hope you all have had a fantastic weekend.

Part 4 of “It could only happen to me” to follow in the near future. x

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It Could Only Happen To Me…Part 3

The day after the date with Matthew. Halloween.

I send a text to Marcus whom I was texting last night after the date, but fell asleep. I sent him a picture of me with a chocolate ghost and scared face. A bit playful.

I’d had a hard night with other goings on in my life and as I was sat discussing said goings on with my parents, I receive a message from Marcus.

Word for word, this is what it said.

Marcus: “I’m currently at a children’s Halloween party. My cousins child, a very sugary affair. Something strange has just happened though. It turns out that you went on a  date with my other cousin last night. Haha. Matthew. Which is so unlikely and strange.”

Errrrrrr, I’m sorry? What did you just say?!

Me: ” That’s ridiculous. What are the chances”

Matthew: “Yeah pretty weird. Im not sure how I feel about it. I think you’re really nice but it would be too weird to go out again. I think.”

I literally have no words. No. Words.

Of all the people, in all the world, why oh dear god why did the only two people I’ve liked in the last six months or so have to be COUSINS!? I had no idea. There was NO indication at any point that they were related. They didn’t look the same, didn’t talk the same, didn’t live in the same places, had different surnames, were different ages. HOW was I supposed to know?

Needless to say I am upset. Embarrassed, even though I’ve done nothing wrong. Even though Marcus has said it’s not my fault. I never in a million years expected this to be the case. I feel like I’m in an episode of Poldark.

Why? Just why?

I would have rather spoken to Marcus over the phone to hear his reasoning and just talk it out or even say goodbye over the phone, but he hasn’t messaged since he said it wasn’t my fault.

As for Matthew? Who knows. I’ve heard nothing, and don’t expect to if I was being honest. He probably wants to get as far as humanly possible away from me. I feel like I have to start all over again. My hopes are in tatters. I will, almost certainly pick myself within the next few days and get back on the wagon (or at least I hope to) but for now, tonight I am expecting to mourn the loss of two great guys I would have hopefully had the chance to get to know better.

I guess now I’ll never know who could have been more.

If anything changes, expect un update in the future. Part 4; the conclusion.

It Could Only Happen To Me…Part 2

As you may remember, Marcus had asked me out on a second date, and I was still talking to Matthew.

Marcus decided to mix it up the second time around. Instead of an evening dinner date he went for an old classic; the cinema. He wanted to pick me and take me (which I found very gentlemanly) so we arranged to go one afternoon a week or so after the first date.

Again, we had a great time. Well I thought we did anyway; I can’t really speak for him. We went for a coffee and a bite to eat before the film started. Again the conversation flowed and we laughed while we sat outside in the crisp autumn air sipping our warm drinks and hearty soup. The film was enjoyable and we giggled uncontrollably together when he accidentally spilt popcorn all over me, probably much to the rest of the cinema’s annoyance. It was another great date.

Unfortunately I had a stinking cold so when it came to the goodbye at the end, a peck on the cheek was as many germs as I was willing to transfer. In retrospect if I hadn’t had a cold I would have braved it and gone for a kiss on the lips. And his eyes we fascinating to me; this beautiful deep hazel I just wanted to stare into.

All I can say now is thank god I didn’t.

By now with Matthew we’ve gotten to the point where I’m hinting quite heavily that I’d like to meet him in person. I don’t see the problem with dating more than one guy at once because:

  1. One, two, or even three dates is not enough time to get to know someone enough to know if you want to be in a relationship with them, AND
  2. How are you going to know who you really like if you don’t have at least one other to compare them to in the same process?

So, a week after date numero dos with Marcus, whilst still conversing with him over the phone, I went on a date with Matthew.

This was yesterday.

He made the effort, chose the pub to go for a drink in, and arranged a time with me.

I’m not going to lie. When I arrived there, it was probably the most nervous I’d ever been for a date. Purely because unbeknown to Matthew, I’d been hoping this would eventually happen for a while. My legs were shaking when I arrived, purely from the pressure I had built it up to be in my head. That, coupled with a pair of heels spelt out almost certain catastrophe for me.

Really though, Matthew had been late off the starting block. In the time Marcus had taken to chat to me, move the conversation to phone, and go on two separate dates, this was the first out-of-work meeting I was having with Matthew after 6 weeks of messaging. But I had to know. I’d spent so long investing into meeting him so I could figure out if I genuinely liked him, I couldn’t not go. If for nothing other than my own piece of mind.

It in fact turned out to be a good date also (again as far as I could tell from my end). The conversation flowed, and within a couple of minutes I felt at ease. I’m so pleased I invested the effort to meet him because I think I misjudged Matthew. I thought he was super confident, perhaps knew he was attractive and was maybe even, dare I say it, a bit boring. But talking to him in person was much better than it’d been via message. I wasn’t sure if he’d picked up on the flirting via text, or the banter. In person however he showed himself to be much more playful, and a good laugh. His smile was still to die for.

We went our separate ways with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Within twenty minutes of the date being over he had already messaged, and wished me a nice evening, sending me a fun picture of him carving pumpkins. ‘This is a good sign’,  I thought.

Meanwhile that same evening, I was also messaging Marcus, who had been away that weekend. By this point, I wasn’t sure about either of them. Both had been great on dates. Marcus had the lead, but both guys possessed the qualities I was looking for in a man. They both fitted the bill.

After only one meeting with Matthew and two with Marcus, I still felt it was too early to tell if I wanted anything with either of them, and decided I was going to play it by ear. I just wanted to see where they’d go, no pressure. I still feel scared about opening up my heart fully to someone else for fear of it being the wrong thing, or getting my heart broken like last time. I just wanted to take things slow.

But no. Now that’s all changed.