Most of the time in my new life of being single, I’m good. I’ll go about my daily life, concentrate on my next goals, keep attempting to online date despite it now being 6 months and no suitors. I’m happy.
But every now and then something will happen. A dream. I’ll see someone from my ex’s family I used to know. I’ll begin to lose faith in online dating and finding someone again. When something like that happens my mind will start to dwell on the past, on him, on them.
When my ex and I broke up, we had been together a long time. It wasn’t just him that was in my life. It was his parents, his grandparents, his aunts who I had now allocated a section of my heart to. And we got on so well. I used to be able to spend time with each parent individually without my ex and enjoy it. We used to go out for meals, drink together, play games together.
Now we’re strangers.
No one ever tells you that you don’t only lose the person you loved. They don’t tell you that you lose an entire family you thought you were going to be a part of. And when my mind starts to dwell on him or them only one thing about it occupies my mind…I miss them.
My ex was not perfect. Neither am I. I know it ended for the right reasons, and that he did what I couldn’t. But it doesn’t mean I don’t miss him. We may not have been right for each other romantically towards the end, but he was my best friend. And 1.5 years later, I still notice that my best friend isn’t there anymore. He’s now a stranger to me. Ive never even seen him.
But I miss him. I miss the way he used to be so happy to see me when I got home. I miss his hugs. His smile. His crazy dancing in the kitchen to Beyonce. I miss his jokes, his silliness, his willingness to just show me him for him. I miss his hands. His chest. I just miss him and there’s no other way to describe it.
I miss his parents. I miss their welcoming smile. The way I could talk to his mum about work related matters and she’d be able to relate. How if the need to confide in her arose I would have been able to. How I felt her love for me as I did her. I miss playing board games with her. His dad is the same. I miss talking to him about man things, watching films together as a little unit, chatting about rubbish. How they were there for me. Again, I just miss them being in my life.
I don’t know if I’ll ever stop missing them. If I use distraction to stop myself thinking about them, or accept that they’re gone, no longer in my life and missing them doesn’t make a jot of difference, its easier. But when the feeling is there, I notice it like a piece of me is missing. Like there’s a void that hasn’t yet been filled.
I know this isn’t permanent. I know that this void I have can be filled with self love, or perhaps eventually the love of another and his respective family someday. I know there is nothing to change the ways things are; I’m no longer a part of their lives. But for now, to his family and him…I miss you.