I’ll Be Missing You

Most of the time in my new life of being single, I’m good. I’ll go about my daily life, concentrate on my next goals, keep attempting to online date despite it now being 6 months and no suitors. I’m happy.

But every now and then something will happen. A dream. I’ll see someone from my ex’s family I used to know. I’ll begin to lose faith in online dating and finding someone again. When something like that happens my mind will start to dwell on the past, on him, on them.

When my ex and I broke up, we had been together a long time. It wasn’t just him that was in my life. It was his parents, his grandparents, his aunts who I had now allocated a section of my heart to. And we got on so well. I used to be able to spend time with each parent individually without my ex and enjoy it. We used to go out for meals, drink together, play games together.

Now we’re strangers.

No one ever tells you that you don’t only lose the person you loved. They don’t tell you that you lose an entire family you thought you were going to be a part of. And when my mind starts to dwell on him or them only one thing about it occupies my mind…I miss them.

My ex was not perfect. Neither am I. I know it ended for the right reasons, and that he did what I couldn’t. But it doesn’t mean I don’t miss him. We may not have been right for each other romantically towards the end, but he was my best friend. And 1.5 years later, I still notice that my best friend isn’t there anymore. He’s now a stranger to me. Ive never even seen him.

But I miss him. I miss the way he used to be so happy to see me when I got home. I miss his hugs. His smile. His crazy dancing in the kitchen to Beyonce. I miss his jokes, his silliness, his willingness to just show me him for him. I miss his hands. His chest. I just miss him and there’s no other way to describe it.

I miss his parents. I miss their welcoming smile. The way I could talk to his mum about work related matters and she’d be able to relate. How if the need to confide in her arose I would have been able to. How I felt her love for me as I did her. I miss playing board games with her. His dad is the same. I miss talking to him about man things, watching films together as a little unit, chatting about rubbish. How they were there for me. Again, I just miss them being in my life.

I don’t know if I’ll ever stop missing them. If I use distraction to stop myself thinking about them, or accept that they’re gone, no longer in my life and missing them doesn’t make a jot of difference, its easier. But when the feeling is there, I notice it like a piece of me is missing. Like there’s a void that hasn’t yet been filled.

I know this isn’t permanent. I know that this void I have can be filled with self love, or perhaps eventually the love of another and his respective family someday. I know there is nothing to change the ways things are; I’m no longer a part of their lives. But for now, to his family and him…I miss you.

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Dating Lesson #9 – The Return of Catch Me If You Can

I have a confession to make.

For those of you who have followed my blogs you’ll remember Frank from Catch Me If You Can Parts 1-3, and how I wrote that he never contacted me again. Well there’s more to that story…

My friends told me to delete his number. That he was a waste of time. That I could do better. They erased him from my phone in all aspects that they could; got rid of his conversations, all pictures and videos, removed his number from my contacts. A week passed and I still hadn’t heard from him but I just couldn’t let it go. I just didn’t understand it. We had a great time on that date. We’d flirted, the conversation had been effortless, there was an easy playfulness when we were in the arcade and we seemed attracted to one another.

So me being the stubborn person that I am I decided to send one final ‘hurrah’ message to let him know I was disappointed. What I didn’t tell anyone was that I still had him on Match.com, so sent him a short message on there stating how it was a shame it hadn’t gone anywhere as we seemed to have a good time.

He replied, apologised, and explained he’d started to think too much and worried he wouldn’t have time to for someone in his life.

I should have read the signs there…I didn’t. I was still clinging on to the hope that it could go somewhere. I should have stopped talking to him there and then. But I didn’t.

We got back into the normal flow of conversation that had been there previously, and things seemed to be ok. But then one day out of the blue he sent me a screen shot of his match.com profile showing how many unread messages he had from women. This was accompanied by a message saying “Oh My God I’ve just logged into Match.com…I don’t think I’m cut out for this. I always thought I’d meet someone in the most unexpected way; damn you rom coms”. I found this pretty hurtful. One, because he had met me online, two, because I didn’t understand why he was showing me this, was this another signal to back off? And three, because if he was divulging this to me perhaps I had been put in the friend category.

I wanted to speak to him in person. I wanted to see his face, hear his voice properly, not a delayed video or an emotionless assembly of words on a phone screen. But typically, that didn’t happen despite me asking.

So I did the only thing I felt I could; I sent him a video. But not just any video. I poured my heart into that video. I explained why, despite the fact I was getting the impression he wasn’t into me, I had continued to speak to him. How after a long term relationship he had been the first person I’d thought “yeah, I really like this guy”. How I hadn’t had as much fun on a date with anyone else. How I wanted to kiss him when we’d said goodbye on the first date but was scared of his reaction. And I asked him straight out, that if I was nothing more than a potential friend to him to just tell me so I could stop harbouring this hope of it becoming something more. I’ve never sent anything like it to anyone before. I was letting him into my world.

Looking back it probably came across as sweet, but also perhaps desperate which was not my intention; I’m just not into games.

He sent me a nice reply saying how he needed to have a serious think because the last thing he wants is to upset me. A day passes and I receive a message saying how lovely I am but he’s realising he hasn’t got time for someone at the moment, to the extent that he’s going to come off Match.com.

I don’t reply. I actually take the hint.

Then 5 days later, on Christmas day, he messages me.

Frank: “Merry Christmas”

Me: “Merry Christmas to you too. Hope cooking the christmas dinner went well.”

Frank: “Thanks a lot x”

I don’t reply.

Frank: “I would like to see you again”

I don’t get it. Why? What’s changed? Not a lot according to him but he felt it such a shame when we get on so well. So I go with it. Again, I should have stopped here. But the hope had been re-ignited and I couldn’t let it go.

We met up, watched a film together at his house, and like before, it was a good time. But again nothing came of it. He went away for another 3 weeks offshore and returned, ignoring my invite for me to return the favour and have him to come to mine to watch a film.

So, after some dutch courage from a friend, I bit the bullet and realised this was never going to happen. I told him I didn’t want a friend, that I couldn’t do this anymore and was going to focus my efforts on someone who wants to date me. That I wished him luck in finding someone when he was ready to.

And he sent me something nice back saying how it was nice to meet me and how I’ll find someone as I’ve got lots going for me.

Perhaps I do, but it doesn’t feel like it.

It feels like I’ve lost the only prospect I had, and not even a good one at that. It feels like there’ll be an emptiness where our funny conversations had been. It feels like I’ll never find anyone again.

My friends were right. I had just invested too much emotion in someone who was never going to like me as much as I liked them. I had allowed myself to be kept on a string, I had let myself be a fool. I’m disappointed in him, but more so in myself.

Letting go isn’t easy. It hurts right now. I know it’ll pass, I know I won’t be alone forever but it’s hard to see what hasn’t happened yet. Looking on the grateful side of things I am grateful for this valuable lesson. One of which I made myself learn the hard way.

I have learnt:

  • Never let someone string you along
  • Never compromise yourself
  • Never settle for someone who isn’t right
  • The fog of a potential new love clouds even the most rational of minds.
  • My friends are pretty much ALWAYS right. I should darn well listen next time because it would have saved me a lot of heartache.

So, it’s back to square one. No dates on the horizon, no one online catching my interest.

Here’s where the lesson of patience, and making the most of my singleton time comes in.

Stay tuned for more dating stories in the future; I still have from from past dates I haven’t yet shared with you. As always if you have any comments or thoughts always enjoy reading them.

Until the next time,

CountryGirl x

 

Dating Lesson #8 – Singledom Part 3

Evening all,

I haven’t been very well recently so I’m afraid all of my positive single mojo vanished for a little while, hence why I haven’t been blogging. BUT you’ll be pleased to hear I’m getting my positive cap back on and am ready to continue the “how great it is to be single” saga!

So lets get cracking…

Singledom Lesson #6 – Freedom

Quite possibly one of THE best things about being single!

Some people see it as being lonely; a recluse, a hermit, a sad way to be…living on your own. I happen to think otherwise. Why? Because I can do whatever I like, whenever I like!

Hey, fancy dancing like a crazy person in your underwear in the middle of the living room with the music blasting? Don’t mind if I do… How about going out on your own, sitting in a restaurant having a date night with yourself, eating whatever you like without worrying what someone will think of you, then hitting the cinema? That sounds perfect! Or if you’d rather you could just stay in for the whole weekend and binge on Netflix watching the entire “Making a Murderer” in one sitting? Errrrr who wouldn’t!?

I have never had so much freedom to do anything that takes my fancy. I have learnt and am continuing to learn that being alone, and living alone doesn’t have to be a miserable, boring, lonely time. It’s MY time. My time to choose to read a book from cover to cover, whilst sitting in silence and not having to make conversation with anyone. My time to hog the TV and anything I’d like to watch. My time to play the music I like, to run a bath, to go out and do something on my own, to learn a new skill, to play guitar, to watch random pointless video’s on youtube. And it’s absolutely 100% fine to do that!

Whatever makes you happy, whether you usually need someone to do it with or not, just go do it! I promise you although it will feel weird, it will be so liberating knowing that most things you would have done with someone you can do with your own very best friend; yourself.

The possibilities are endless; you can literally do anything you feel like. It makes me appreciate this time of being single, because in years to come I may not have as much freedom. I may have more responsibility, have other people to think about and take care of. Thats why it’s ok to be a little selfish when your single, to take some time to yourself and give yourself some “me” time. Because who knows when the right person will come along and sweep you off your feet. This is your time to grow as a person, and just be yourself entirely.

Singledom Lesson #7 – Dating

Unless you are one of those people who decides one person isn’t good enough in a relationship and goes wandering, when other time than being single can you have the opportunity to rummage through the abundance of men on this planet looking for the right one?

Yes granted, some of my dates, OK lets be honest…most of my dates and encounters with the male sex haven’t been ideal, they have still been dates; lessons if you will. I have learnt something about them, and about myself from each dating experience and it’s quite exciting knowing that maybe one of these dates may be the last, first date.

Now despite me trying to release my inner sexual goddess on a number of occasions (see previous blogs) I have come to the conclusion the bed, breakfast and goodbye scenario may not be for me. BUT, if you are someone who can do that, then blimey being single is a treasure trove of potential make out sessions, netflix and chills, and friends with benefits! You’re not tied to anyone. If you feel like it you could go to a bar, window shop a bit and go home with someone you fancy a bit of the sex with. Now having not experienced this myself I’m taking a guess at whether this is good or not, but if you take it for what it is with no emotional attachment, I reckon it would be pretty great.

But if you’re like me and find being intimate with someone more of an emotional thing to do with someone you trust, then this next point is equally as good…

Singledom Lesson #8 – New Love

Getting over a breakup isn’t always easy. To this day I’m not even sure I’m 100% over it. The scars are still there, I still get nervous if I see or hear something about him or his family, but I’m definitely getting there. But one of the good things about being single is learning what went wrong in the previous relationship, consciously deciding to try and improve on the things that you were able to control next time around (because there will be at one point or another a next time around), and moving on from it.

I haven’t given up on love. I still believe in the kind of love that exists in books and in films. I see how my parents are together and I know that that kind of love does happen. I still know in my heart of hearts that everyone deserves real, true, honest love and if you believe it enough, your thoughts will create your reality.

One thing that always makes me feel better when I begin to worry about not finding someone is this thought:

“Somewhere in the world, out there right now, is my soulmate…”

And one day when I least expect it he will enter my life and it will all make sense. The waiting. The nights of wondering if I should just settle so as not to feel alone or worrying if I’ll ever love someone again. The dates that went ok and thinking “meh, maybe it could work” then realising they’re not the right person for me.

How exciting it is to think that as each days passes the person you could be ridiculously happy with, who could turn your world upside down and show you what love is supposed to be like, is edging closer and closer until one day…there he is in front of you! How exciting to imagine and visualise, to feel those feelings that will manifest when you’re with him on that first date. The nerves, the shy excitement, that giddy happy feeling knowing you’ve found someone you can just click with. How exciting and wonderful to imagine what that first kiss could be like, how it may be the best kiss you’ve ever had! Any and all of those thoughts fill me with such positivity that I feel immensely happy, and it hasn’t even happened yet!

I can’t wait for those feelings to turn into reality. To feel that sense of belonging, safety, security, and pure love to fill my being. I’m learning to create those within myself as I can be all I need, but having it from someone else too will be amazing.

And with that person a new, exciting chapter of my life will start.

Now if thats not one good thing about being single, knowing that all that is going to happen sometime in the future, I don’t know what is!

 

I hope for anyone reading this who is single, that this has helped you feel better about your situation (if you weren’t happy with it that is!). I hope these blogs help you to see some of the good that can come out of being on your own. This is just another phase in my life, which I aim to get as much out of as possible before it’s too late, and I hope this inspires you to do the same 🙂

Thank you for taking the time to read this. As always I’d love to hear any thoughts anyone has so please do comment if you’d like.

All the best, and until the next time,

Countrygirl x