Game Changers

I’ve been taking a different outlook on life recently… you know those moments of clarity I get sometimes? Well here’s another one so get ready!

You are going to die.

People don’t like being told that. I do. Why? Because it’s a game changer.

Imagine waking up every morning and being reminded of that one sentence. You are going to die. Could be today, tomorrow, in three weeks, three years, a decade, or way off in the future.  But it WILL happen.

How would your life change? Would it kick start your mindset into thinking about your life, and making the most of it? What would you change if you remembered often you could die at any moment? You would want to make the most out of every single moment of being alive. Of living, breathing, of being on this beautiful planet.

How would you want to be remembered?

I say this to you not to scare you, but for me, it opens up my way of thinking into something so much bigger than my own life. it takes me out of the daily grind, into something higher. It makes me realise whats important.

Does it really matter that much if you’re stuck in traffic for a while? Does it really matter if you forgot to clean the sink one week? Do all the small things that we worry about on a daily basis really contribute to anything meaningful for us? No. What matters are how we can change the world in the small amount of precious time we have in it.

What matters is making a difference in any way we can. Challenging the social norms and rules that have been created which limits our society. Being Kind. Smiling at strangers in the street. Saying hello or starting up a conversation with someone you’ve never met, just to make their day a little bit brighter. Dancing with friends at a wedding. Spending time with family.

Service. Helping humanity. Volunteering. Giving to something bigger than you own ego.

That’s how you can feel satisfied and content with your life. Knowing we will die is a blessing, because it forces us to be present. To realise our own mortality, get off our butts from the TV and makes us want to go out and really live. To not judge others. To realise that family, and friends, and the attitude we bring to life every day affects everyone around us and impacts whoever we come into contact with.

Imagine how great life would be if everyone was more open, smiled at you and greeted you out of sheer kindness. How if we all did just that little bit more the world could be healed. It makes me want to shout from the rooftops to everyone dear to me how much I love them, how I treasure each and every person who has come into my life, and stayed in my life. How my friends and family mean everything to me. How I should tell them everyday how much a value them.

You come into this life with no clothes on your back, no pennies to your name, with purity, and truth, and love. That’s how I want to leave it. I want to leave behind love in peoples hearts having hopefully made them feel valued and important.

Life is for living. I want to live it.

You will die.

So how are you going to make the most of it?

My Favourite Place

Secluded.

Tranquil.

England at its best.

Crystal clear river waters, the gentle flow of the current.

Lush green reeds border my own little patch of heaven.

Spiders spin their webs by the river bed,

A family of swans glide serenely.

Birdsong surrounds and envelopes me as though I’m in the tropics.

Dragonflies dance along the water line,

their vivid blue and turquoise shimmering in the sun.

The mill in the distance,

Framed by lily pads and untouched waters.

No humans allowed.

 I sit here looking,

Trying to spot the sources of the circular ripples slowly surfacing.

I Hear the gentle cascade of the lock.

My mind clears

My heart lifts

My soul shifts.

I feel connected.

This is life.

It Could Only Happen to Me…Part 4:The Conclusion

Well hello dear readers.

I have had a very long hiatus from blogging with no real excuse other than I’ve been super busy. But fear not…I had yet to conclude the unfortunate events that occurred in October, which resulted in me dating two cousins.

So let us continue…

After a good few days with nothing from either party I decided it was time to figure out where Matthew stood on the scenario. Marcus was a lost cause. I messaged him expressing my dismay that I didn’t even really get the chance to see where things went. We both had very kind words to say about each other, and left it at that. So with that in mind I needed to know what Matthew thought about the whole thing.

We arranged to speak on the phone four days after discovering the situation. And to my shock he was fine about everything. He took the stance that I was free, single, and it was only one date. He didn’t really see why it was such a big deal for Marcus. I agreed with him and we agreed to keep in contact. In retrospect, perhaps this should have been another warning sign; perhaps the fact he didn’t see it as a big deal meant he wasn’t particularly invested in me or pursuing a relationship with me. But we carried on regardless.

Things moved painfully slowly. I kept getting mixed signals. I’d drop hints about meeting, compliment and tease him in a playful way to make him aware I wasn’t interested in just a texting conversation the whole time. But he’d never directly ask me out. We’d text back and forth daily, each taking turns to initiate the texting, but still no meeting in person. Eventually, after quite a lot of hints, we ended up going on a second date.

We met at an independent cinema, and watched a film together which we had to sneak into as we were a tad late. The film was a prequel to a much larger film franchise, and because Matthew hadn’t seen the previous films I was happy to get close to him and whisper in his ear about things he didn’t know, as we were watching.

Unlike my date at the cinema with Marcus where I’d been comfortable enough sitting and laughing, spilling popcorn over each other, on this one there was an excitable tension. I found myself hoping he would take my hand in his. I wanted to rest my head on his shoulder. I wanted to be near him.

The date continued after the film as we walked through the streets of the city staring at the newly placed Christmas lights. We walked through a beautiful tunnel of lights positioned in the main shopping area. A romantic spot I felt, but again I got nothing from Matthew. No hand holding, no closeness. I began to wonder if he was even interested in me. I figured if he wasn’t he’d have made an excuse to end the date right? We found ourselves hungry and ended up in a famous fish and chip restaurant where I felt like he opened up more. Conversation flowed easily and we enjoyed playful banter. I was enjoying myself and perhaps he was too.

On the way back to the car a rather uneasy looking man came up to us shaking a bucket in our faces and asking for money for Charity. The tattoo of a needle across his neck and his general demeanour said otherwise, as did his reaction when I responded with “I’m sorry I’ve just used it”, to which he replied said “Oh come on…GIVE me your money”. I felt threatened, and Matthew and I walked swiftly to the car.

Now this was the moment I’ll remember because after all his mixed signals,  I told him I had felt slightly worried back there and he showed his protective, manly, very attractive side by saying he would have punched the guy had he come any closer to me. I felt safe, I felt he cared. Perhaps I read too much into it but to me that seemed like a sign he wanted to protect me. He liked me enough he wanted to keep me safe. That he was a good guy. Someone who wouldn’t mess a girl around.

Like a gentleman he dropped me off at my house and we said our goodbyes.

Then limbo started again. He’d message me often, asking me how my day was, seemingly showing an interest but also seeming to forget things I’d said to him before. It went on for a while and I began to give up.

Eventually we went on date three. Another whole month later.

He picked me up and we went to the woods for a walk followed by a coffee in a cosy pub, which to my surprise went on until mid afternoon.

It was just me, him, and the trees. We talked, we laughed, we joked. Me being typical me I partly submerged myself in a stream after thinking it wasn’t deep at all, to which he found very amusing. We even meditated which may sound silly but it was so peaceful. I felt grounded to the world around me and it was nice to be able to share one of my favourite places to do that in, with him. I must admit most of the time I was wondering if I could kiss him but I thought that would have probably been a bit odd, and it would have caught him completely of guard seeing as his eyes were closed. I did steal a sneaky peak at him from time to time though.

It was an all round really lovely date. But time was running out. It was date three, and Matthew still hadn’t made any romantic move on me. I knew that if I left this one in the same way, and it ended up being the same back and fourth messaging again that I’d have to call it quits, and regret never having done anything.

So…when he pulled up outside my house I took it upon myself to make the first move. It probably wasn’t the most romantic of ways to do it as I proposed that if I didn’t kiss him now I’d regret it, but he didn’t back off either. We kissed, just once.

I can only speak for me but I felt it was a good first kiss. A slight linger, nothing too full on. Sweet would have probably been a fitting word. I said thank you for the date, although I said it WAY too soon after the kiss which made it sound like I was in fact thanking him for letting me kiss him (I know, cringey), and left the car. Nevertheless, I was on cloud nine. I left that car smiling from ear to ear.

I hadn’t felt this way about someone since my ex. Perhaps not even him.

Again, within a few hours of the date he had messaged me which I took as a good sign, but that quickly slipped back into the same texting pattern as before; Matthew not moving things on, and me left wondering where on earth I went wrong.

I didn’t like it, it wasn’t easy, but I had gone down this road before. Enough was enough. The budding romance I was so hoping would happen just wasn’t manifesting, and as much as I liked this guy, as much as I wanted to be able to kiss him again, for him to show me that he wanted me, it just wasn’t going to happen.

I sent a final message explaining I wanted to be with someone who was 100% wanting to be with me, who wanted to show me how much they were interested, who wanted to see me as often as they could. He replied but unfortunately it confirmed what I had hoped wasn’t, but deep down knew to be the case…

And that was two months ago.

Have I heard from him since? No. Had I secretly hoped I would? Yes. Do I still fancy him and hope he comes to his senses? Hell Yes. But then again he’s already shown me he’s not interested. Perhaps its too late. Perhaps I would worry he’d do it again.

I know where I went wrong. I invested too soon. Again. I liked him the first time he walked into my workplace and I dreamed about it ever since. Before he even knew anything about me or the fact I liked him. Before I even knew him.

I dived in too willingly.

I guess I still need to learn a few things about dating.

What Really Matters…

Today I was looking through old photo’s from years gone by. With each picture that I saw, the more and more memories came rushing back to me as though they had only happened yesterday. It filled me with nostalgia. With longing for past years. Most of all, it filled me with love.

It made me have a moment of realisation.

Love is everything. Nothing else matters. Kindness, generosity, happiness, all comes from love. It doesn’t matter what car you drive or how big your house is. What matters, and what will matter when you leave this world is the love you put into it, and the love you gave to other people. No one will remember how much money you earned, or what designer clothes you wore. They will remember your kindness, your willingness to help, your actions that influenced their lives.

Friendship.

Family.

An appreciation for everyone, and everything.

Those are the things that really matter.

People have come in and gone from my life. I don’t regret a single one of them. Each person has taught me a lesson, has been a friend for different reasons. The friendships that were meant to last, have done so. I feel so overwhelmed when I think about all the love I have for these people. For the people that I care about. It’s amazing to think about how many connections you will make with people as you go through life. Every day there are possibilities to understand someone on a deeper level, to form a lasting bond.

I love all of them. I am grateful for all of them.

 

 

 

 

A World Of Opportunity

Walking is beautifully therapeutic and grounding.

After recent events, this weekend has been a chance for me to remember what’s important in life. The things we take for granted. The things in life that are free. Appreciating the simplest moments, the smallest of goings on in the big wide world. Living life in the now.

If being single has taught me one thing, its how to find myself. How to be a better person. How to live for today.

It’s given me the opportunity to further my understanding of the world around me, improve on myself, and taught me how to give back to the world. When you haven’t got someone beside you all the while you realise there’s so much you can give, to everyone. A simple smile, a warm greeting, a kind gesture.

In most of my everyday life I always feel rushed. There’s always a list of things to do, people to see, connections to maintain. I often feel like there’s no time to relax. To stop and take note. In the past I’ve turned to meditation for this. I’ve started to once again,

I also read a lot of self help books. I don’t necessarily read them to make myself amazing. I read them because every time I do they open my mind and soul up to something bigger than myself. This power, this way of thinking that I didn’t think was possible. Something switches on in my head, a door opens. It’s like an addiction. These moments of clarity where the world makes sense. Where the world is good and pure. Where my dreams are possible. Where everything in this life is precious, and amazing, and everything is within reach. I read them for this.

A walk in the woods today gave me that same clarity. As I walked, I kept my focus on my breath, and the sensations around me. Everything around me as I was walking on this sunny, crisp, autumn day became incredible.

The air felt pure and clean within my lungs. Imagining these gentle giants absorbing my carbon dioxide to give the air new life, new fuel for it’s inhabitants, became fascinating. I noticed the colour of every leaf. The beauty of the natural world. The crisp crunching of dry and damp leaves beneath my feet. It was so peaceful, so serene.

As I sat on a log alone it was so quiet. Quiet enough for me, as I closed my eyes and concentrated on my breathing, to notice the pine needles falling from the trees. To hear the bracken rustling gently in the breeze. To hear the natural cracks of the twigs and branches around me.

It. was. amazing.

As I began to walk back to the real world through the depths of the forest, the more I looked, the more I saw. Mushrooms began to appear as if from nowhere; scattering the forest floor. Life was everywhere. Even on the floor of a forest coming to the end of its time for the year, life was still blooming amongst the debris.

It made me take note that nothing is impossible. I am reassured by the processes of life. That nothing lasts forever. That now, in this moment, is the time to treasure. One day someone will come along who will be everything I’ve ever wanted. Who knows when that may be, but in the meantime this chapter of my life is precious.

Life isn’t about success with material things. It’s about appreciating the fact that we’re alive. Appreciating nature and the world around us. Cherishing all of it. It’s about being the best version of yourself to illicit great, inspiring feelings in others.

No one will remember how much was in your bank account. They will remember how you made them feel. It makes me want to be kind to everyone and everything I come into contact with. It fills me with such love for everyone and everything that I could burst. I want to make everyone feel loved.

So when people roll their eyes at me for reading self help books, or going for a walk on my own, I don’t mind. Because if they felt what I do when I get those moments of clarity, they’d be hooked too.

I hope you all have had a fantastic weekend.

Part 4 of “It could only happen to me” to follow in the near future. x

It Could Only Happen To Me…Part 3

The day after the date with Matthew. Halloween.

I send a text to Marcus whom I was texting last night after the date, but fell asleep. I sent him a picture of me with a chocolate ghost and scared face. A bit playful.

I’d had a hard night with other goings on in my life and as I was sat discussing said goings on with my parents, I receive a message from Marcus.

Word for word, this is what it said.

Marcus: “I’m currently at a children’s Halloween party. My cousins child, a very sugary affair. Something strange has just happened though. It turns out that you went on a  date with my other cousin last night. Haha. Matthew. Which is so unlikely and strange.”

Errrrrrr, I’m sorry? What did you just say?!

Me: ” That’s ridiculous. What are the chances”

Matthew: “Yeah pretty weird. Im not sure how I feel about it. I think you’re really nice but it would be too weird to go out again. I think.”

I literally have no words. No. Words.

Of all the people, in all the world, why oh dear god why did the only two people I’ve liked in the last six months or so have to be COUSINS!? I had no idea. There was NO indication at any point that they were related. They didn’t look the same, didn’t talk the same, didn’t live in the same places, had different surnames, were different ages. HOW was I supposed to know?

Needless to say I am upset. Embarrassed, even though I’ve done nothing wrong. Even though Marcus has said it’s not my fault. I never in a million years expected this to be the case. I feel like I’m in an episode of Poldark.

Why? Just why?

I would have rather spoken to Marcus over the phone to hear his reasoning and just talk it out or even say goodbye over the phone, but he hasn’t messaged since he said it wasn’t my fault.

As for Matthew? Who knows. I’ve heard nothing, and don’t expect to if I was being honest. He probably wants to get as far as humanly possible away from me. I feel like I have to start all over again. My hopes are in tatters. I will, almost certainly pick myself within the next few days and get back on the wagon (or at least I hope to) but for now, tonight I am expecting to mourn the loss of two great guys I would have hopefully had the chance to get to know better.

I guess now I’ll never know who could have been more.

If anything changes, expect un update in the future. Part 4; the conclusion.

It Could Only Happen To Me…Part 2

As you may remember, Marcus had asked me out on a second date, and I was still talking to Matthew.

Marcus decided to mix it up the second time around. Instead of an evening dinner date he went for an old classic; the cinema. He wanted to pick me and take me (which I found very gentlemanly) so we arranged to go one afternoon a week or so after the first date.

Again, we had a great time. Well I thought we did anyway; I can’t really speak for him. We went for a coffee and a bite to eat before the film started. Again the conversation flowed and we laughed while we sat outside in the crisp autumn air sipping our warm drinks and hearty soup. The film was enjoyable and we giggled uncontrollably together when he accidentally spilt popcorn all over me, probably much to the rest of the cinema’s annoyance. It was another great date.

Unfortunately I had a stinking cold so when it came to the goodbye at the end, a peck on the cheek was as many germs as I was willing to transfer. In retrospect if I hadn’t had a cold I would have braved it and gone for a kiss on the lips. And his eyes we fascinating to me; this beautiful deep hazel I just wanted to stare into.

All I can say now is thank god I didn’t.

By now with Matthew we’ve gotten to the point where I’m hinting quite heavily that I’d like to meet him in person. I don’t see the problem with dating more than one guy at once because:

  1. One, two, or even three dates is not enough time to get to know someone enough to know if you want to be in a relationship with them, AND
  2. How are you going to know who you really like if you don’t have at least one other to compare them to in the same process?

So, a week after date numero dos with Marcus, whilst still conversing with him over the phone, I went on a date with Matthew.

This was yesterday.

He made the effort, chose the pub to go for a drink in, and arranged a time with me.

I’m not going to lie. When I arrived there, it was probably the most nervous I’d ever been for a date. Purely because unbeknown to Matthew, I’d been hoping this would eventually happen for a while. My legs were shaking when I arrived, purely from the pressure I had built it up to be in my head. That, coupled with a pair of heels spelt out almost certain catastrophe for me.

Really though, Matthew had been late off the starting block. In the time Marcus had taken to chat to me, move the conversation to phone, and go on two separate dates, this was the first out-of-work meeting I was having with Matthew after 6 weeks of messaging. But I had to know. I’d spent so long investing into meeting him so I could figure out if I genuinely liked him, I couldn’t not go. If for nothing other than my own piece of mind.

It in fact turned out to be a good date also (again as far as I could tell from my end). The conversation flowed, and within a couple of minutes I felt at ease. I’m so pleased I invested the effort to meet him because I think I misjudged Matthew. I thought he was super confident, perhaps knew he was attractive and was maybe even, dare I say it, a bit boring. But talking to him in person was much better than it’d been via message. I wasn’t sure if he’d picked up on the flirting via text, or the banter. In person however he showed himself to be much more playful, and a good laugh. His smile was still to die for.

We went our separate ways with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Within twenty minutes of the date being over he had already messaged, and wished me a nice evening, sending me a fun picture of him carving pumpkins. ‘This is a good sign’,  I thought.

Meanwhile that same evening, I was also messaging Marcus, who had been away that weekend. By this point, I wasn’t sure about either of them. Both had been great on dates. Marcus had the lead, but both guys possessed the qualities I was looking for in a man. They both fitted the bill.

After only one meeting with Matthew and two with Marcus, I still felt it was too early to tell if I wanted anything with either of them, and decided I was going to play it by ear. I just wanted to see where they’d go, no pressure. I still feel scared about opening up my heart fully to someone else for fear of it being the wrong thing, or getting my heart broken like last time. I just wanted to take things slow.

But no. Now that’s all changed.

 

It Could Only Happen To Me…Part 1.

It’s a bit too early to tell this story but it’s so ridiculously unbelievable I just need to write this as it’s happening. The night it’s happening. I may not post it for a few days but this was written as it occurred, and will continue to be written as it occurs.

As far as writing a dating blog goes, this is SOLID GOLD. I couldn’t have predicted this, or made this up it’s just so weird. So unexpected. So bloody annoying.

I’m sitting here half an hour after reading the text that lead me to this  blog, and I still can’t quite believe it. Every time I think about it I just think  ‘This could only happen to me. What are the chances!?’

Lets start from the start.

I had fancied someone I knew from work for a while. We shall call him Matthew. You know when you just know you fancy someone? It doesn’t happen very often to me but when it does I can tell. He had the most gorgeous smile and warm brown eyes. I would speak to him professionally, knowing that he would never be a prospect because of work rules. So I admired from afar.

A year or so ago I came across him on Match.com. Then again on POF. Then again. So, naturally, I took it as a sign; perhaps it wasn’t just coincidence.

So being the random impulsive person that I am I took it upon myself last christmas to send him a message. Completely innocent, a kind of Love Actually moment. You know the bit I mean? When Kiera Knightly’s husbands best friend is standing outside pretending it’s carol singers, with boards telling her how her really feels knowing he can’t act on them? Yes, that bit.

I was polite, and just told him he seemed like a nice guy and if he’d like to I’d be interested to get to know him better. He replied, and we would have met up but christmas came and went, and the next thing I’m being told is that he was going to get back with his ex.

‘OK, no biggy‘ I thought. I left it at that and told him nothing would change; I would still be professional towards him at work.

Fast forward to 6 weeks ago, and we matched on Tinder. Four. Consecutive. Times. I have a habit of deleting my account after a week realising I’m bored and no-one EVER talks, then in a moment of weakness start up my account again. Obviously I wasn’t going to swipe left on him…but I wasn’t expecting him to swipe right on me after he declined previously. But, he did swipe right. Four separate times. Deliberately.

This time round however I wasn’t going to message. The ball was in his court. And to my surprise he messaged me! “Yey!”you might say. Oh…..you wait.

Around the same time, I also matched with another guy on Tinder. We shall call him Marcus. Now Marcus was good fun right off the bat. He had interesting pictures, good conversation, and I was able to flirt with him and joke around. He was extremely fun to chat to and I felt a connection. Now Marcus didn’t beat around the bush. After a few exchanges back and forth over the course of a few days, he asked me out. By this time I’d already ascertained he was one of the most interesting people I’d spoken to on Tinder, nay, any dating site since joining them. He reminded me of Frank (see previous blog here), but much more confident in his approach to dating. In fact I’d go so far as to say he had the dating lingo down and he was very clear in his approach.

So, we went on a date. A yummy dinner date at a Pan Asian and Sushi restaurant, followed by a drink at a pub. I could not fault him. He dressed well, he spoke well, the conversation flowed. We shared similar interests, had a similar intellect, shared similar dreams and ambitions. We laughed, we drank, we enjoyed each others company. It was probably the best first date I’ve had so far. And we got on well; the connection was real.

The only problem was I wasn’t quite sure if I fancied him or not. But hey, I’d only met him once and I’ve learnt that if you’re not sure, that’s not a reason not to see someone again. Love and attraction comes with time and he ticked pretty much every other box so I was going to give Marcus a fighting chance.

I should mention that while this was going on Matthew and I were on and off chatting, but I hadn’t managed to move the conversation to texting, a phone call, or a date. The texts were sporadic but he’d told me what his working week was like, so I trusted him when he said he was really busy with work and didn’t go on Tinder much. Eventually, we spoke via text message. But by this point Marcus had already asked me out on a second date.

More to come, keep an eye out xx

 

Close Encounters of the 2nd Kind

It’s been over two years now since me and my ex became no more. A lot has changed. All for the better. And I’m finally at a stage where I can just let it go. How do I know? I hear you say…

Well. About a month ago now I was going to a wedding. It was a beautiful Saturday morning and I was taking my leisurely time in getting ready. The wedding wasn’t until the early afternoon and I had plenty of time so decided I’d pop out to grab myself one of the towns famous sausage rolls for breakfast (I mean who doesn’t love a freshly baked, warm, gooey, sausage roll right!?). It was only down the road. ‘Na I wont bother getting ready’ I thought to myself.

I ditched the PJ’s, grabbed the nearest clothes next to me, and went out the door. No shower. No make-up. Hadn’t brushed my hair. I’m not even 100% sure I had brushed my teeth at this point.

So there I am, strolling down the street past the flat where I used to live, heading to the butchers, looking a state. And who should pull up next to me on their bicycle?

My ex’s dad.

I was in momentary shock, to the point where it took me a minute to register who it even was. I hadn’t seen him to speak to since the day my ex walked out of the door.

I love his parents. I Still do. We’d messaged briefly on facebook a couple of months earlier when I had clocked him in the local supermarket car park and had failed to go over. We both had been afraid of the same thing it turned out; whether the other would want to talk to us. So there and then we had promised each other that if we ever saw each other again we wouldn’t hesitate to go over and start a conversation.

So that’s exactly what he did; and he couldn’t have timed it better. I mean hey, when’s better than when I smell like last night, don’t even know if I’ve brushed, and appearance-wise am definitely not at my best? Sure, come over! I had hoped that if I’d ever run into my ex or his parents I would have been looking fantastic, feeling fantastic, wearing my favourite clothes, with a full face of make up. I had thought so many times about what I would say to them. I’d agonized over whether to ask them how my ex was and still hadn’t known what was best to do. How much information to divulge for fear of my ex hearing through the grapevine about me.

So in one sarcastic respect, he couldn’t have timed it better. But in the other respect, it was the best thing that could have happened to me…

I had no time to think. Seeing him that morning with me looking like that had NEVER for one second even crossed my mind, and that’s exactly why it was so great. I don’t think it could have gone better.

After that momentary shock, I smiled broadly at him, and embraced him in a loving hug. He willingly hugged me back, and I immediately felt at ease. All that worry, all that time wondering if they even still liked me after I left their lives; it all just vanished. There were no hard feelings. We talked for a good while, and exchanged a bit of information about each other. I enquired about his wife, and heard how well she was getting on, to which I was so happy for her. I bit the bullet and without even having time to care, asked how my ex was. I told him how I only had loving thoughts for his son and wished him well. Then we moved onto a new topic with ease and I got across how I’m happy. We hugged goodbye, and I went to get my sausage roll.

Looking back I’m so pleased I did ask about my ex. Because at the end of the day, who cares? Whatever gets back to him won’t impact on me, so why not show kindness towards him and pass on my best wishes.

I never understood how forgiveness is really for the forgiver until that moment. It sets you free.

I’d let go. I knew it as soon as I’d said goodbye to his dad, because I walked away with a beaming grin of happiness on my face. I went home, ate my breakfast, had a shower, and got on with my day without even giving the encounter a second thought.

That’s when I knew I’d finally, fully moved on.

Dating Lesson #13 – Not-So Shiver Me Timbers

I’ve not posted for so long I’ve actually begun to forget some of the dates I’ve yet to have written about, but seeing as this one has come to me I felt the need to share. After all, sharing is caring.

The dating scene had been quiet for a while and I had decided to take a break; I came off Tinder, I came off OK Cupid, and thought “I’ll have some me time”. I wasn’t expecting anyone to contact me because how could they? I’d removed myself from the dating scene. So you can imagine my surprise when out of the blue I get a text from a number I don’t recognise.

“Hi CountryGirl, remember me? It’s Phil; the guy who lives on a boat? Thought I’d see how you are as we got on well but never met up…”.

I feel at this point I should make it clear it had been a while. Two whole months to be exact since I had exchanged numbers with this guy… Who does that? Who keeps a random girl’s number on their phone when I’d come offline two months before? One of two explanations crossed my mind:

  1. He’s a really lovely guy who kept it in the hope we’d keep texting
  2. He’s a psycho who just wants to get laid.

I was optimistic and went for the former.

So erring on the side of caution I decided to reply but kept things light and non-committal. We ended up exchanging pleasantry’s for a couple of days when he asked me out. Result! Well, why not? What have I got to lose?

We decided to meet at a local bar-come restaurant on a lovely summers evening. We sat outside by the river. It soon became clear that this guy was lovely, but not quite for me. He was really quite shy, and kept apologizing for himself. I’d ask him about certain things I’d learnt about him since chatting; playing the violin, being part of a folk band, carpentry. He had some real talents. But for some reason he couldn’t see it. Every time I gave him a compliment or wanted to find out more about him he’d put himself down.

Example 1.

Me: “That’s pretty cool that you play in a folk band! You must be good.”

Him: “Oh no, no. Not really. I’m not very good”

Me: “You may be better than you give yourself credit for!”

Example 2.

Me: “You’ve been traveling? I’d love to hear about it”

Him: “It’s really not that exciting and a bit of  a long story, I’d bore you. Oh god I’m boring you aren’t I”

Me: “Not at all, I’d be interested to hear”

Him: “Well to cut a long story short…”

Just tell  me the story!

Etc, etc.

It’s a real shame. He seemed like a genuine, pleasant guy, but there was just no self confidence, no assurance or self belief.

I could see my old self reflected in his attitudes towards himself. It was like I was looking into the past at what I must have been like when my ex broke up with me and if I’d gone on a date then what I’d have been like.

Perhaps he’d had a big knock. Perhaps he’d always been like it. Who knows, but unfortunately I’d decided by the end of the date he wasn’t for me. I needed someone with self confidence. Not arrogance, just someone who respects themselves and doesn’t put themselves down all the time. I’d been the stronger one in a relationship before, and was certain that wasn’t what I wanted again.

After becoming single, I’d learnt about my own self worth and had changed for the better in that respect towards myself. It was strange seeing it from the other side rather than being the one who felt worthless, or at least projecting that view of themselves to other people.

A few days later he messaged me and asked me out again. I let him down gently (at least I think I did), told him he was a lovely guy, but that I didn’t think we were compatible. I got a rather rude reply back with a sarcastic comment at the end. I think he may have even asked if there was anything he could improve on. I so desperately wanted to tell him to work on his own self esteem, but thought better of it; I didn’t want to hurt his feelings even more.

Needless to say I never heard from him again.